Dear Sir/Ma'am/Small pudding-shaped object:

On a completely random basis you have been chosen as primary bondee in our "Graft Alfred Lord Tennison's Lifeless Torso to a Random Hapless Prole" Sweepstakes. This means that, even though our research team has determined that your name is not "Sandy D." and that you have never heard of this contest before, a specific portion of your body must be designated by you as an official "Alfred Lord Tennison's Torso Bonding Region", to which official Heinz Corporation molecular biologists will use state of the art biotechnology (and double-sided carpet tape) with which to affix Mr. Tennison's lifeless torso to said bonding region. Please be informed that, by purchasing our ketchup and other tomato products in the past you have waived all rights to legal counsel, and that, should you choose to nullify your contract and legal obligations to Heinz Corporation of Canadaby taking your own life, your estate, spouse and progeny all become property of Heinz Corporation of Canada and will, pursuant to section six, article five of the charter of the Heinz Corporate Commitee for the Consideration of Dead Poet/ Private Citizen Bonding Through Genetic and/or Double-sided Carpet Tape Means and Ways and Means Commitee, Commitee (H.C.C.C.D.P.P.C.B.T.G.D.G.O.S.H.W.H.A.T.A.L.O.T.O.F.L.E.T.T.T.E.R.S.) be genetically grafted to Alfred Lord Tennison's lifeless torso.*

On a personal note, I and my wife Cindy Sherman would like to extend our warmest wishes to you and your family at this time of unremitting stress and terror in your previously quiet, bucolic lives. As a highly paid corporate executive and former slave owner I recognize how tough it can be for the "little guy" in these grim economic times, especially with the added difficulty of having a dead poet's torso affixed to your body. We assure you that no expense has been spared by Heinz Corporation Canada, its sattelite conglomerates, and parent monolith to ensure that this seemingly meaningless act is carried out with the utmost care, efficiency, and respect for Masonic Tradition. Heinz Corporation of Canada deeply regrets any inconvenience or loss of circulation caused by regional Tennison bonding. Any concerns you have about this procedure may be forwarded to the following address:

Compliants
c/o Bupinde Gahunian
Assistan cleaning lady and sole non-english speaking employee
Heinz Corporation of Canada
22648 Meat in a Jar St.
Windsor, Ont.
M1K 0N0

All complaints, comments and suggestions will be handled with the greatest sensitivity, and are completely confidential (except that they may be shown to William Shatner and his immediate family).

While you await your regional Tennison bonding may I suggest you take the time to fill out our consumer survey (failure to do so will result in possible forfeiture of your cutlery-owning privileges, and removal of spoon and can opener-owning privileges for all your male, female or other descendants, ad infinitum). This survey helps us to find ways to improve our products and better serve remaining consumers not scheduled for regional Tennison bonding in the future. In return for your time we will send you a 2,000 page coupon book containing over $600 in savings on Heinz products and Dave's live bait, and you will also be entered in a chance to win one of five limited edition garden weasils shaped like Nostradamus (approx. retail value $39.95).

In closing I would like to thank you for your continued support and interest in Heinz Corporation of Canada, a wholly owned subsidiary of Dave's Live Bait, Bixby, Tennessee (phone 298-7767) open Tuesdays and Fridays 9 to 1 summers only). Remember our motto: "Hardly any of our canned tomato products have ever had to be recalled from store shelves for being tainted or containing syringes".

Best Wishes and enjoy the Garden Weasil
The Late Micheal Landon, MD
President and CEO
Heinz Corporation of Canada

*Footnote: In the event that Alfred Lord Tennison's torso is no longer availiable (and in fact it isn't), then you and all your immediate relatives and descendants, as legal chattel of Heinz Corporation of Canada, may at any time and with no notice be called upon to form a beginners' ski slope at the Heinz Corporate Executive Ski Lodge in Swiftcurrent, Saskatchewan. Heinz Corporation apologizes for any inconvenience or deep spiritual dissapointment this may cause.