Alexander

Alexander is a gay movie in the seventh grade sense of the word. This film can be summed up in one four-letter word, but that would make for an extremely short review, which would not be thematically correct for a 3 hour long movie. So I'll give it to you nice and slow, one letter at a time.

The first letter is 'W'.

With Alexander Oliver Stone has created a film of epic proportions that accurately portrays macedonian life. A time when armies of brave Irish actors in eyeliner and bleach blonde Kenny G wigs roamed the land. A time when every other person was missing an eye and the wounds all looked identical. A time when women were evil and men were not really interested in them.

the second letter is 'A'

An interesting effect was observed at our screening of alexander.. a steady trickle of people leaving the theater. Some people left a half hour in to the film, while others left fifteen minutes before the end of the film. We stayed put for the entire running time of the film, which either shows extreme dedication or a foolish lack of common sense.

the third letter is 'N'

Now everybody loves a good educational film right? I learned quite a lot watching Alexander, for example did you know that merely swinging a sword in a short arc is enough to completely remove a human head or leg? Apparently its true! Also elephants roar like lions when they are mad, and Val Kilmer looks like shit with a beard.

the fourth letter is 'K'

So if you've got this far you've collected all four letters: W. A. N. K. ..and really all that other stuff is immaterial. Alexander is a wank, a wank of epic proportions, but a wank nonetheless.

Not even recommended for fourteen year olds.

Review by:
Pope Opinionated II